The Brain Game

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The Brain Game

Here's a classic scenario we've seen played out in countless films and television shows: Someone—the man or woman—is lying next to his/her partner, in a state of what should be post-coital dreaminess, but his/her gaze seems far away. His/her partner looks over, snuggles up and asks, “What are you thinking about?” It's a question many of us dread. Rarely is the answer, “I was basking in the glow of your wonderfulness, darling.” Typically, we are thinking about some decidedly non-romantic thought like a task that has yet to be done, what the world might be like without Velcro, or, worse, how unsatisfied we were by the sex we just had. It happens. The important thing is how to deal with the thoughts we have before, during, and after sex.

Consider the sex you've been having with your partner for about the last three months. With that in mind, answer the following questions as honestly and thoroughly as you can. Afterwards, share your answers with your partner and discuss.

Before Sex

1. What initiates sexual activity between you?
2. Who generally makes the first move?
3. As you begin to make love, what are your first thoughts?

During Sex

1. Would you consider yourself to be open to receiving pleasure from your partner or do you prefer to be the one giving pleasure?
2. Does you mind begin to wander during sex?
3. Do you think about your satisfaction more, less, or as much as your partner's?

After Sex

1. How do you know when sex is over?
2. What is the very first thing you do after sex? What about your lover?
3. Do you and your partner treat each other differently after sex (either later that day or the next morning, if it takes place at night)? If so, how?


1. If one partner tends to initiate/dominate, how would you feel about switching these roles? (If “switching” roles seems awkward, why?)
2. If either or both of your minds wander during sex, to what are they wandering to?
3. List three ways you help each other to stay mentally and emotionally present in your lovemaking.



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Patricia Walters-Fischer