October 23, 2009, Newsletter Issue #190: When Desires Don’t Match
Tip of the Week
In some cases, the individuals who make up a couple have different sexual drives. The stereotype is that men are more sexually driven than women, but for some couples, the opposite is true. Men tend to be able to disassociate sex and intimacy, whereas for women the two are linked. An example of how this manifests itself is that men will often want to make love in order to end an argument, but women cannot bring themselves to have sex until after the argument is resolved.
Understanding these differences between men and women is helpful, but you and your partner need to look at your individual needs and desires. This applies to heterosexual as well as same-sex relationships.
If desires conflict more often than not (being out of sync once in a while is inevitable), talk to your lover and listen to what s/he has to say. Do your best to find a compromise in your cycles of desire. For example, if one partner has a lower sex drive, ask him/her what are the times that s/he feels most turned on. Pay attention to when these moments arise and suggest sex at these times by easing into it with light flirtation or physical closeness.
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