April 4, 2008, Newsletter Issue #110: Getting Busted

Tip of the Week

If a man catches his female partner looking at porn, it most likely won’t have the same consequences as a woman catching her male partner doing the same. Don't you agree? Good. Then I’m addressing this tip to women finding their men indulging in pornography.

Problem 1: You didn’t even know he looked at porn.
Solution 1: Now you know. Okay, he could have told you, but it’s not so easy for most men to admit they’re lost never mind that they like to watch women in bikinis break into spontaneous sex with each other while washing a BMW. It’s not exactly smiled upon in our struggling egalitarian society.

Problem 2: If he has you, why does he need it?
Solution 2: He doesn’t need it; he likes it. Men are visual creatures. If he’s watching porn now, chances are he did before he met you. The closer you get as a couple, the more it may drive him to a comfort act from his singlehood. It’s probably nothing more serious than that.

Bonus Tip: If you walk in on him, please don’t flip out. That’s not going to get you anywhere. Apologize and leave him to it. Most men will want to cover themselves, literally and figuratively. At least offer him the rest of his private time, and table any conversation you may want to have until later.

If you have concerns with pornography and are troubled that a) he’s getting turned on by what you perceive to be the exploitation of women, or b) that he’s spending more time watching porn than he does making love to you, you have every right to talk with him about it. Just not at that moment.

If you have no issues, my favorite option is of the “if you can’t beat it, join it” variety. It’s certainly a great way to show he doesn’t have to keep secrets from you. And it’s fun.

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